Wednesday, 18 July 2012

A letter to Baba


Today you are 2 years and 2 months (plus change!). What a 2 years it has been.

When you get older no doubt Mama and Dada will tell you the full story of your birth and the days and weeks after. None of it was your fault and despite the pain and the emotional backlash Mama went through after I want you to know that you were worth every single second.

The first few weeks (maybe even months) were extremely hard for me, one day hopefully I will be able to put it all into words, I was seperated from you for 3 days, I was in a lot of pain, I didn't know if I would ever be "fixed" (still not now). Seeing Dada bringing you to see me and then watching you two walking out the door to go home while I had to stay in hospital were the worst experiences of my life. Knowing that I had missed out on so much in those first few days, you meeting Nanny, my Grandad meeting his first great grandchild, your first bath, you going home to our house, was horrible for me and I was angry and resentful.

Coming home to you and Dada was so overwhelming and scary, you cried in the car the whole way home and so did I! Suddenly it hit me that this was it, I was coming home, I was no longer in hospital where I could sleep and still be me. It didn't help that I could still hardly move and had to rely on Dada and others to even pass you over to me.

I don't really remember much about those first few days apart from how utterly terrible I felt. I admit I would have quite happily run (ha I could barely even walk) out the door and kept on running. I was miserable, in pain, butchered, scarred for life, resentful, angry, depressed you name it.

Now though thanks to medicine and a lovely counsellor I am more or less the old me again. Well as close to that as I can be. I can't believe how fast the time has gone and what a beautiful amazing little girl you are becoming. You show no signs of any damage from your entrance into this world (think you have picked up the drama side of both families!!) and every day you do something that amazes me. You chatter away to your toys at bedtime, you smother the poor cats with cuddles, you run everywhere no matter how many times you fall over. You love your food, being woken at 6am on a Saturday with "MAMA, TOAST" was not fun but I had to chuckle.

Every morning when I come into your room and lean over into your cot you give the biggest most beautiful smile and "Hiya Mama" which melts my heart and almost makes the 4am wake up calls forgotten!

Thank you for helping to heal me Baba and thank you for still loving me through my darkest days.

Mama xxx


  1. What a lovely post, sounds like you had a bad time but glad you got through it. x

  2. That made me cry, so glad you all got through what must have been very difficult times xx